state of being address

ladies and gentlemen, friends and allies, countrymen and crazy-old-kooks-living-behind-me-with -that-stupidly-annoying-rooster, i greet you with a hale and hearty hello. as many of you may realize, i recently entered into my twenty third consecutive year of being me. as such, i feel obligated to share with you my plans for the upcoming year, my hopes for the future of this position, and a great deal of thanks towards all who have made it possible for me to be in this office chair today.

right then. my first act as me in this new term, aside from consuming one reuben sammich and a few cups of coffee at ihop between 030 and 200 hours, which was agreed by all parties involved to be a particularly "good call," was the reading of scripture. i humbly admit my past failures in this most essential and basic duty and promise to reform the lax enforcement that almost sank this program in '04.

the second item on today's agenda was to smile. there will be no more weak, half-assed smiles from me, i guarantee that. once you've cracked a truly good smile, one that threatens to split your whole face in two, there's no going back. i've been a dried up old prune for too long and as much as i disliked about the me five years ago, i've really missed the old-school strube smiles of the past.

thirdly, it grieves me hardly at all to inform you that i will be stepping down as resident kitchen bitch at freeman hospital. the date of my departure has not yet been set, but current plans indicate a june-july time frame. i have my best people working on a veritable novel for the exit interview, so fear not for the department's loss of my keen insight and critical eye - my spirit will live on in 12 point arial font [and photocopied leaflets taped to office doors]. reasons for the move are numerous, including misuse of an evil genius, insurance rape, constant griefing by lame ass noob hax0rs, and a desire to give myself a pay raise and a more professional work environment. when one is identified by certain members of management as "that republican, christian man," as if possession of a penis should be a criminal charge [nevermind the pervasive hippiecentric culture that makes my political and religious leanings a matter of scorn], one questions why they should bother to continue their employment. on a purely personal note, i find the wait to discover the looks on the faces of the management when i disperse my propaganda absolutely excrutiating. look for a facsimile of the document here in the near future.

education will remain a top priority for the future, although i am not currently enrolled or seeking enrollment for the coming semester. shortly after securing new employment the ball will begin rolling and financial aid will be sought. no promises, but 2007 looks very feasible for my long awaited graduation party. i expect all who attend to become very shitfaced.

i owe a great debt of gratitude to all my friends and family who have supported and stayed true to me through uncertainty and hardship. good days are most definitely ahead.