state of being address

ladies and gentlemen, friends and allies, countrymen and crazy-old-kooks-living-behind-me-with -that-stupidly-annoying-rooster, i greet you with a hale and hearty hello. as many of you may realize, i recently entered into my twenty third consecutive year of being me. as such, i feel obligated to share with you my plans for the upcoming year, my hopes for the future of this position, and a great deal of thanks towards all who have made it possible for me to be in this office chair today.

right then. my first act as me in this new term, aside from consuming one reuben sammich and a few cups of coffee at ihop between 030 and 200 hours, which was agreed by all parties involved to be a particularly "good call," was the reading of scripture. i humbly admit my past failures in this most essential and basic duty and promise to reform the lax enforcement that almost sank this program in '04.

the second item on today's agenda was to smile. there will be no more weak, half-assed smiles from me, i guarantee that. once you've cracked a truly good smile, one that threatens to split your whole face in two, there's no going back. i've been a dried up old prune for too long and as much as i disliked about the me five years ago, i've really missed the old-school strube smiles of the past.

thirdly, it grieves me hardly at all to inform you that i will be stepping down as resident kitchen bitch at freeman hospital. the date of my departure has not yet been set, but current plans indicate a june-july time frame. i have my best people working on a veritable novel for the exit interview, so fear not for the department's loss of my keen insight and critical eye - my spirit will live on in 12 point arial font [and photocopied leaflets taped to office doors]. reasons for the move are numerous, including misuse of an evil genius, insurance rape, constant griefing by lame ass noob hax0rs, and a desire to give myself a pay raise and a more professional work environment. when one is identified by certain members of management as "that republican, christian man," as if possession of a penis should be a criminal charge [nevermind the pervasive hippiecentric culture that makes my political and religious leanings a matter of scorn], one questions why they should bother to continue their employment. on a purely personal note, i find the wait to discover the looks on the faces of the management when i disperse my propaganda absolutely excrutiating. look for a facsimile of the document here in the near future.

education will remain a top priority for the future, although i am not currently enrolled or seeking enrollment for the coming semester. shortly after securing new employment the ball will begin rolling and financial aid will be sought. no promises, but 2007 looks very feasible for my long awaited graduation party. i expect all who attend to become very shitfaced.

i owe a great debt of gratitude to all my friends and family who have supported and stayed true to me through uncertainty and hardship. good days are most definitely ahead.

/helen keller

human beings are without a doubt the most paradoxical of all god's creatures. emotion and reason, body and soul. . . it seems our race is the gross product of some cosmic chemistry set experiment gone awry. flightless birds, alright. you've got a sense of humour. borderline schizophrenia as an innate special [read:: spee-shee-ul] trait? you're either a friggin genius or a really, really sick bastard.

i meant that.

i have a tendency to speak from feeling. great for inspiring one to do especially brave things as well as the profoundly stupid, but not particularly useful when someone else jumps the gun and points out problems, instigates an argument, or otherwise beats me to the punch. if there are words that precede mine on a topic which i had [supposedly] intended to address, dangnabit, them's fightin words. telepaths would do well to steer clear of me, fyi.

i also befuddlingly have the capacity to speak with great clarity. that is, when i actually think before i speak. this i make up for my emotionspeak's lack of focus with a certain deftness and agility that would make cassius clay in his prime green with envy - at the cost of taking on some berserk aspects worthy of a norse saga. veins will pop, gestures will fly, all whilst i myself am completely unaware of the metamorphosis i have undergone. now people who don't know me very well normally respond in one of two ways to this:: they either scream and run [seriously - although most of the time the screaming is not in fear but in anger] or they become extremely agitated themselves and further engage my beorn apparition. the best i can describe what i feel at this point is probably very close to what runs through the head of the poodle my folks have when you play with him. excitement, fear, anger, happiness . . . a primordial soup of base emotion swirling about with no real intent other than to exist, if only for some short time. my temper will flare for a moment with no tangible effect on the conversation other than to feed another word or two into my now projected train of feeling. if i'm giddy, you'll know. if i'm sad, you'll know. if i'm angry, you'll sure as hell know. problem is, this method of communication tends to, regardless of my emotional state, make others' hackles rise. you can get so much off your chest in so little time when you engage your emotions. a word of caution, though: never, ever, ever use this berserker stance around a passive-aggressive. ever. unfortunately [for me and my hyperkinetic heart], my sis is a textbook PA.

mos-def-to-the-max-omg-wtf-bbq. T_T

sometimes i actually think "stuffing it" seems a reasonable alternative.

we'd debate as kids for approximately three to four minutes before my reason tagged in the whirling dervish and all conventional modes of engagement were thrown out the window [along with a folding chair or two]. logically, sis is second to none. she excelled in lincoln-douglas debates in high school and, if she has done her homework on a subject, you are one screwed son of a bitch unless you can think outside the box. that's where mr. hyde comes in. rationally, most anyone is up against a wall when facing an educated opponent. with the equivalent of a emotional stimpack in my system, i'm a force to be reckoned with. i don't search for cracks in an argument's foundation, i rip the fucking wall down. if any single element comes to mind that has not been explored in this intellectual duel, it immediately becomes armor piercing ammo bent on ripping into the opposing argument's soft underbelly. i want to win and i can be a cruel bastard. granted, our debates rarely ever got to the point at which either party could claim victory due to the fact that hannah would opt for option #1 while yelling about the incivility of the inflection of my voice or somesuch. i love her to death, but she of all people should know me better. i yell when i win a round of halo, i yell when i lose a round of halo, i yell when i nearly fracture my skull on the obscenely low doorway to my room . . . and all are nearly indistinguishable from each other, although each belies a different emotion.

i will use my inside voice[s].

but that's all it really is, right? spoken language is a ruse to belie our feelings, more often than not, an affirmation that we're all ill equipped to communicate with others. before God we must all be destined to be emotionally nude or blessed with the ability to read an infinite thread of thought processes simultaneously. i'm working hard towards the former, albeit with great difficulty. as my mentor and good friend perry is fond of saying, "always tell the truth, but don't always be telling it." i must sort out the times at which i need to effectively communicate my feelings and when i need to let them dissolve into the great cosmic vapor.

lately i've had a gas cloud the size of jupiter orbiting my head. i'm praying for a new job or the fortuitous endowment of a steel plate in my forehead. i don't think it can take much more beating. >